perhaps we'll stay in the grey.

this past weekend has been indescribable. its been filled with extreme highs and extreme lows. usually i panic and freak out about everything, i over analyze til theres nothing left, and then in return things turn out normal or better. not the case this time. what is it about december that changes everyone? ok this change has been coming for some time, and weve all been changing with the seasons. i thought this year would be different, i thought i could hold onto the ones i love.

things have gone sour with one of my best guy friends. he used to be there for me no matter what, we were best friends, and there was no awkwardness there, he was just there for me as a friend. in the past few months weve started to drift, not talk as much, and it seems jealousy has arised. i could be completely wrong, but from what ive gotten through the last few texts, thats how it seems.

i miss him. i miss all the stupid stuff we could talk about and all the lines in songs we liked. i miss having a drinking buddy and someone hang with. because this relationship has been severed, i may lose two other really good friends. two friends i also care deeply about. i dont know how to be by myself again, ive become so dependent on him or them that i dont know how to be independent, and honestly my heart is breaking through all this.

i wish "you" wouldnt let everyone control you so much sometimes. i understand you need them to survive and to get by, and that at the end of the night they were your friends first, but for once i just want you to put your foot down and do things on your own. go out and get your independence, i help you out far too much sometimes, just because i wont let you fall, and its time for me to let you be your own person, but i dont think you being independent means you need to drop me completely. maybe i misread everything, and maybe this was never anything. i built you up in my head to something you cannot live up to. or maybe i read everything the right way. maybe this doesnt have to end, maybe this could be amazing, and all this happened for a reason. perhaps i had to go through and meet these people and burn the bridges to get across to you. heres the over analyzing again. i shall write more later. when im not such a mess, when i know what to feel.

i'll miss my best friend, i'll miss my favorite, ill miss my pita, ill miss all our talks and texts, ill miss you always being there when i needed you, ill miss my team.