im really too young to be feeling this old.

im tired. im always tired. i drink coffee to wake me up in the morning and swallow pills to make me fall asleep at nite. its getting old. i wanna wake up refreshed and fall asleep sleepy.
im twenty four years old, and i feel old. this is not what life is supposed to be 24. im working to barely make enough to survive, im going to school slowly working towards no goal. im living with my dad and sharing a room. i have no privacy. the only time im alone is in the car. i need a change. i wanna move, move somewhere new, but there are things that hold me back. cant focus.
enough for now.

xo.

sppechless.

for once i still am at a loss for words. im over spoken. i feel like ive whined, cried and just over talked to everyone lately about situations, and im tired. i dont know what to say anymore, i dont know what to distinguish from reality. and maybe im just tired of typing. or i dont now how to peice the words together so eloquently anymore.

life is better. its crazy the range of emotions you can go through in the course of 3 or 4 days. literally, a roller coaster.

oh well, heres to a better friday.

xo

and so i'll wait.

so this is how its gonne be, again. i feel super lame right now. i feel like im waiting for you to text me, i feel like im doing something wrong. i feel like im waiting for the call or text that will just never come. i know there are special circumstances now, but there is always a way to find a way to text me "hi". i think this situation has just given you an excuse to be lame. i know i said i wouldnt get bitter about this, but i miss talking to you. and honestly my day is just terrible without seeing you or hearing from you.

if they only knew.

Talk to me, I'm torn
I could get lost in a voice like yours
Tell me if I'm wrong or right
Tell me I could stay tonight

It's in the way that you fool everyone
When you're falling in love again
So tell me how this ends

'Cause no one knows you like I do
They don't see you like I do, baby
They'll try to, oh if only they knew
They'll never come close to you

perhaps we'll stay in the grey.

this past weekend has been indescribable. its been filled with extreme highs and extreme lows. usually i panic and freak out about everything, i over analyze til theres nothing left, and then in return things turn out normal or better. not the case this time. what is it about december that changes everyone? ok this change has been coming for some time, and weve all been changing with the seasons. i thought this year would be different, i thought i could hold onto the ones i love.

things have gone sour with one of my best guy friends. he used to be there for me no matter what, we were best friends, and there was no awkwardness there, he was just there for me as a friend. in the past few months weve started to drift, not talk as much, and it seems jealousy has arised. i could be completely wrong, but from what ive gotten through the last few texts, thats how it seems.

i miss him. i miss all the stupid stuff we could talk about and all the lines in songs we liked. i miss having a drinking buddy and someone hang with. because this relationship has been severed, i may lose two other really good friends. two friends i also care deeply about. i dont know how to be by myself again, ive become so dependent on him or them that i dont know how to be independent, and honestly my heart is breaking through all this.

i wish "you" wouldnt let everyone control you so much sometimes. i understand you need them to survive and to get by, and that at the end of the night they were your friends first, but for once i just want you to put your foot down and do things on your own. go out and get your independence, i help you out far too much sometimes, just because i wont let you fall, and its time for me to let you be your own person, but i dont think you being independent means you need to drop me completely. maybe i misread everything, and maybe this was never anything. i built you up in my head to something you cannot live up to. or maybe i read everything the right way. maybe this doesnt have to end, maybe this could be amazing, and all this happened for a reason. perhaps i had to go through and meet these people and burn the bridges to get across to you. heres the over analyzing again. i shall write more later. when im not such a mess, when i know what to feel.

i'll miss my best friend, i'll miss my favorite, ill miss my pita, ill miss all our talks and texts, ill miss you always being there when i needed you, ill miss my team.

a day late.

today was a down day. i vented for an hour on a phone call, but not to the person who really should have heard it. i hate december, its fucked so far. and in all honesty, i was so frustrated but today im super happy. wish i woulda blogged wheni was upset to really get out what i felt last nite.

what a shame we all became such fragile things.

we all are broken. we all can be broken. nothing stays forever. but i wish i could be happy as a i was in that moment of time. the day if grey until you appear and color my world. be hat i want, be what i need.

googleable.

lets see if you find my blog.

BOSTON.

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah
Where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Yeah Boston...
Where no one knows my name.

i dont always get what i want, but i always want what i get.

so ive been a bit upset the past few days. its been everything. getting everything i want, not getting everything i want, the way days have ended up, its just bugged and been quite irritable.

but i realized something right now. things cannot always go as i perfectly would like them, sometimes they get fucked and are not what i expected at all.

i cant always control the decisions people around me will make, and i cant always make you choose me. but i cant choose who i wanna be around the most, and the things i will sacrafice for them or him.

im a control freak. there are things that have made me this way though. i have a huge lack of trust for the ones that i trust the most. you may have never lied to me (yet), you may have nothing to hide from me, i may have the most trust i can have in you right now, but i dont wanna feel paranoid. december does this to me. it isnt even december yet and i feel like its gonna be an emotionally though month. i just wanna wake up and have everything go perfect. make me smile, call when you say you will, answer when i call, dont take forever to see what im doing, have ideas, make me smile.

because i want you. and i even if i cant have you all the time, im happy with what i do get of you.

im the new cancer, never looked better, you cant stand it.

theres a lot of things i wish i could quit. i could quit most things i try to, its a state of mind, but the one thing i cant quit, is killing me more and more everyday.

i dont know when we got here, or when i got here, because apparently i am here alone.

i expect the world from you, dont know why. but i should expect the world from you, because from the start youve slowly been giving me the world, one day at a time.

i cant go a day without you, ive tried. everyday without you is missing a big chunk.

everyday with you is filled with smiles and laughs. trying to fight back a smile when i get upset and you know exactly whats wrong and how to fix it.

so how do you live up to these expectations? because lately your not. you try your hardest but theres limitations to us. and honestly im tired of it, i want you all the time. i dont wanna have to pretend this is nothing, but clearly its too much right now and too soon.

your the hardest addiction to quit.

bad luck twice up

my luck is fucked lately. its like my life is a series of unfortunate events, its hard to look at the bright side of anything when shits just fucked.
i hate working so many night shifts, i love it, i love the people, and better money, but i cant get anything in my life straight or done.
my car is fucked, still. i have no money, still. school is school, its whatever, which i wish could be more. i wake up, i lie in bed because honestly that is all i wanna do lately, i finally get up and go through the one hour routine of getting ready for work, which consists of hair and nails and make it into work, i work for eight hours for money that cannot be spent and must be saved. i get off work and honestly all i want is to spend time with the one who makes me smile and forget the bullshit. but what you wanna do is hard to do when you have no transportation and have to rely on others to get where you want and what you want.
im tired. im tired of trying so hard for nothing. tired of trying to play of the feelings i have for someone just to not piss someone else off. tired of not being able to be friends and just friends with someone because they have limits.
life should not be about what we limit ourselves too, but it is entirely made up of boundaries and lines we cannot cross.
i dont know where im going with this. to be honest, its hard to focus or organize anything at the moment. what i need is to not be restricted anymore, to be around the one who makes me smile,a car, or maybe a million dollars.
loves.

xo

i thought we could wait for the fireworks.

so ive been avoiding this blog for some time. ill admit ive been busy living, ive been busy forgetting about you. but not every blog needs to be about a boy i cant stand. they can be about a boy i absolutely love with all my heart. a boy who never fails to make me smile, and boy that i cannot live without, even if i tried.

so whats happened in the last year?

ive learned to move on. ive learned to be happy. ive learned that not everyone needs to know "what im doing" via twitter. ive learned that we only have one life to live so live it up. ive learned that too much is never too much, if i wanna see you everyday im going to see you. ive learned that not all boys have the intention of lying and hurting girls, there are ones out there i can still trust. boys that will do anything to make you smile, boys to be boring with.

we meet dozens of people throughout our life, relationships fails, we meet people to who meet people. be happy in the moment. treasure everything and everyone you have, because you never know when they will change their mind, or for that matter when i will change my mind.