"am i crazy, or are you just a liar?"

are all boys liars? are the fact that you are not boyfriend at the moment with the title change anything? is it really that significnt? does that justify what is and isnt a lie? because im pretty sure just because you didnt mention it, its still a lie. im so irriatated and furious about the events of tonite i dont think i can even blog about it. thats how upset i am. my mind hurts and i wanna scream, tonight had feelings that felt all too familiar that i dont wanna feel or deal with. am i crazy? or are you just a liar?

half hearted

i hate needing someone. i hate that i need you even though i try not to. i can try as hard not to, but in the back of my mind i do need you, and from the bottom of my heart, i miss you more than anything. i rely on you for things to be normal in my life, and honestly theyre a bit boring without you. i thought things would be okay without you. i thought i could go through the day without having someone get mad at me. and for awhile i could. but not anymore. i find myself thinking of fun times we had, jokes only you would laugh at, things we used to do together.

you were always there. and now that your not, i want you there. part of me wishes i could stop being stubborn and say sorry, but another part of me says why say sorry? so you can forgive me and then get mad at me again three days later? i had a lot of time to think when i was lying in bed for that week. I looked through our old text messages. we've gotten in so many fights over nothing, its ridiculous. i miss the old you, times where i felt like i had a best friend. times where everyday was fun, times where i had to say "morning beezy" or it just didnt feel right. when did they stop being fun? when did we forget to laugh?

i'll always miss you, i'll always want more from you. but for now all i can do is let you live your life and try to be happy. but in all reality i miss my bestie.

my mind is suffocating me. do you ever wish you could just stop thinking? get me out of my mind because i cant take it anymore. i want to push mute. what do you do when your heart and your mind are thinking completly different things. you know in your mind that its not what you should feel or do but your heart is saying something completely different. how do you know in your heart that it is the right thing to do? i try so hard not to get caught up in the wrong situations, to know in the end im getting what i want out of it. I try so hard not to plan, because plans lead to disappointments. but somehow i find myself wanting to plan, wanting to control, wanting some sort of change.

even though i may be wasting my time, i may be setting myself up to get hurt in the end, it hasnt stopped me. Why did i ever take it this far? was it because its what i wanted or what should have happened? did it bring me happiness? maybe in the moment but at the end of the night im left with this empty feeling. im left going to bed alone, while you have the world to call or to think about. did the friendship grow from this? or did it complicate it more? could we ever really just be friends or was it doomed from the start? i know as much as ive thought about it, as much as we've both gotten hurt, the damage it has done, i still wouldnt change anything. All the bad decisions i made, made us what and who we are, even if im not proud and we'll never forget them.

Maybe we'll never be more than we are now. Maybe some days i want it to change, I want to be more than just a