"am i crazy, or are you just a liar?"

are all boys liars? are the fact that you are not boyfriend at the moment with the title change anything? is it really that significnt? does that justify what is and isnt a lie? because im pretty sure just because you didnt mention it, its still a lie. im so irriatated and furious about the events of tonite i dont think i can even blog about it. thats how upset i am. my mind hurts and i wanna scream, tonight had feelings that felt all too familiar that i dont wanna feel or deal with. am i crazy? or are you just a liar?

half hearted

i hate needing someone. i hate that i need you even though i try not to. i can try as hard not to, but in the back of my mind i do need you, and from the bottom of my heart, i miss you more than anything. i rely on you for things to be normal in my life, and honestly theyre a bit boring without you. i thought things would be okay without you. i thought i could go through the day without having someone get mad at me. and for awhile i could. but not anymore. i find myself thinking of fun times we had, jokes only you would laugh at, things we used to do together.

you were always there. and now that your not, i want you there. part of me wishes i could stop being stubborn and say sorry, but another part of me says why say sorry? so you can forgive me and then get mad at me again three days later? i had a lot of time to think when i was lying in bed for that week. I looked through our old text messages. we've gotten in so many fights over nothing, its ridiculous. i miss the old you, times where i felt like i had a best friend. times where everyday was fun, times where i had to say "morning beezy" or it just didnt feel right. when did they stop being fun? when did we forget to laugh?

i'll always miss you, i'll always want more from you. but for now all i can do is let you live your life and try to be happy. but in all reality i miss my bestie.

my mind is suffocating me. do you ever wish you could just stop thinking? get me out of my mind because i cant take it anymore. i want to push mute. what do you do when your heart and your mind are thinking completly different things. you know in your mind that its not what you should feel or do but your heart is saying something completely different. how do you know in your heart that it is the right thing to do? i try so hard not to get caught up in the wrong situations, to know in the end im getting what i want out of it. I try so hard not to plan, because plans lead to disappointments. but somehow i find myself wanting to plan, wanting to control, wanting some sort of change.

even though i may be wasting my time, i may be setting myself up to get hurt in the end, it hasnt stopped me. Why did i ever take it this far? was it because its what i wanted or what should have happened? did it bring me happiness? maybe in the moment but at the end of the night im left with this empty feeling. im left going to bed alone, while you have the world to call or to think about. did the friendship grow from this? or did it complicate it more? could we ever really just be friends or was it doomed from the start? i know as much as ive thought about it, as much as we've both gotten hurt, the damage it has done, i still wouldnt change anything. All the bad decisions i made, made us what and who we are, even if im not proud and we'll never forget them.

Maybe we'll never be more than we are now. Maybe some days i want it to change, I want to be more than just a

time for you.

why is it that i make time for everyone? i have a million things to do with my day but if someone says "do you have time" i always find a way to make time for whatever it is. And just because i make time for everyone doesnt mean everyone, or even anyone makes time for me? its not until i stopped making time for someone recently that i realized they dont make time for me. maybe theyve never made time for me, maybe it was me the whole time trying to make time for us. or anybe they did make time before but theyve stopped now. it took me stopping the planning, stopping the good morning texts, stopping waiting for the calls and then giving in and calling for me to realize it wasnt working both ways.

its not that im unhappy that they arent making time either. i just miss it when its gone. i miss the phone calls and knowing how they are. I miss not expecting to hear from them, because at one point in the day i would, because i would break down and call him to say hi. i miss the calls just to say "hi"

panic

one of my favorite feelings, is the feeling you get of finding an old cd or hearning an old song after you havent heard it in forever. that song, or that music brings you back to the same feelings you had, or to even the same person. so as i came across my panic at the disco cd today in a box in my storage i experienced this exact feeling.

to be continued.....

closure

this sums up how im feeling.
im glad we finally have some closure. it was fun, til it got ugly, and im glad after however long it took me to accept the things that happened, i finally do not care about our future.

Why you calling me again
You trying to act all innocent
I ripped yoru pictures all to shreds
You said that it was over
You said that it was over
I can't unforget you
If I triedI threw it all away
It's too lateI can't let you back inside
Not this time
You walked out and you left me
So what was I supposed to do
Can't unforget you
Goodbye goobbye goobye

Can't unforget you
Goodbye
Don't wanna lead you on
There was a time when you were all I ever wanted
Until now the windows close forever
And I've finally got over
Yeah I've finally got over
I can't unforget you if I tried
I threw it all away
I can't let you back inside
Not this time
You walked out and you left me
So what awas I supposed to do
Can't unforget you
Goodbye goobye goobye
Your feeling desperate
You want me to take you back
Don't think I'll fall for it
You only want what you can't have
No no noI can't unforget you if
I triedI threw all away
It's too lateI can't let you back inside
Not this time
You walked out and you left me
So what was I supposed to do
Can't unforget you
Goodbye goobye goobye
Can't unforget you
Goodbye goodbye goodbye
Unforget you
Goodbye

not allowed

its kind of weird to not be allowed anymore. its not so much as that i CANT come over, its the fact that there are so many boundaries to it now. i took for granted always being able to just hang out with you and now you wont even talk to me. i feel lost without you. sometimes i just want to know how you are, i wanna know you still.