lost in time.

i really cannot find the time or motivation to write anything down these days. time is moving so fast, yet im stuck in the same place over and over again, like everyday is on repeat, yet i have no time to do anything.
im saving money, money is hard to save. i must deprive myself of every luxury, even redbull or coffee, eww now im sounding like a spoiled brat. but these are the things you get used to that are hard to break. frugality is simple, yet boring, and sad.
they say money cant buy happiness, which in some cases is true, but to a poor person, giving them a million dollars would bring them hapiness, money can lift your mood, that is a for sure.
im a materialistic person, so trying to save is like stabbing me in the heart and handing it to me on a plate.
the bright side of things? im not buying useless junk that eventually ends up in a plastic bag somewhere in my room, car or storage.
im irritating myself, writing this.

xo.
stay golden.

im really too young to be feeling this old.

im tired. im always tired. i drink coffee to wake me up in the morning and swallow pills to make me fall asleep at nite. its getting old. i wanna wake up refreshed and fall asleep sleepy.
im twenty four years old, and i feel old. this is not what life is supposed to be 24. im working to barely make enough to survive, im going to school slowly working towards no goal. im living with my dad and sharing a room. i have no privacy. the only time im alone is in the car. i need a change. i wanna move, move somewhere new, but there are things that hold me back. cant focus.
enough for now.

xo.

sppechless.

for once i still am at a loss for words. im over spoken. i feel like ive whined, cried and just over talked to everyone lately about situations, and im tired. i dont know what to say anymore, i dont know what to distinguish from reality. and maybe im just tired of typing. or i dont now how to peice the words together so eloquently anymore.

life is better. its crazy the range of emotions you can go through in the course of 3 or 4 days. literally, a roller coaster.

oh well, heres to a better friday.

xo

and so i'll wait.

so this is how its gonne be, again. i feel super lame right now. i feel like im waiting for you to text me, i feel like im doing something wrong. i feel like im waiting for the call or text that will just never come. i know there are special circumstances now, but there is always a way to find a way to text me "hi". i think this situation has just given you an excuse to be lame. i know i said i wouldnt get bitter about this, but i miss talking to you. and honestly my day is just terrible without seeing you or hearing from you.

if they only knew.

Talk to me, I'm torn
I could get lost in a voice like yours
Tell me if I'm wrong or right
Tell me I could stay tonight

It's in the way that you fool everyone
When you're falling in love again
So tell me how this ends

'Cause no one knows you like I do
They don't see you like I do, baby
They'll try to, oh if only they knew
They'll never come close to you

perhaps we'll stay in the grey.

this past weekend has been indescribable. its been filled with extreme highs and extreme lows. usually i panic and freak out about everything, i over analyze til theres nothing left, and then in return things turn out normal or better. not the case this time. what is it about december that changes everyone? ok this change has been coming for some time, and weve all been changing with the seasons. i thought this year would be different, i thought i could hold onto the ones i love.

things have gone sour with one of my best guy friends. he used to be there for me no matter what, we were best friends, and there was no awkwardness there, he was just there for me as a friend. in the past few months weve started to drift, not talk as much, and it seems jealousy has arised. i could be completely wrong, but from what ive gotten through the last few texts, thats how it seems.

i miss him. i miss all the stupid stuff we could talk about and all the lines in songs we liked. i miss having a drinking buddy and someone hang with. because this relationship has been severed, i may lose two other really good friends. two friends i also care deeply about. i dont know how to be by myself again, ive become so dependent on him or them that i dont know how to be independent, and honestly my heart is breaking through all this.

i wish "you" wouldnt let everyone control you so much sometimes. i understand you need them to survive and to get by, and that at the end of the night they were your friends first, but for once i just want you to put your foot down and do things on your own. go out and get your independence, i help you out far too much sometimes, just because i wont let you fall, and its time for me to let you be your own person, but i dont think you being independent means you need to drop me completely. maybe i misread everything, and maybe this was never anything. i built you up in my head to something you cannot live up to. or maybe i read everything the right way. maybe this doesnt have to end, maybe this could be amazing, and all this happened for a reason. perhaps i had to go through and meet these people and burn the bridges to get across to you. heres the over analyzing again. i shall write more later. when im not such a mess, when i know what to feel.

i'll miss my best friend, i'll miss my favorite, ill miss my pita, ill miss all our talks and texts, ill miss you always being there when i needed you, ill miss my team.

a day late.

today was a down day. i vented for an hour on a phone call, but not to the person who really should have heard it. i hate december, its fucked so far. and in all honesty, i was so frustrated but today im super happy. wish i woulda blogged wheni was upset to really get out what i felt last nite.